What Really Happened at the NHL’s General Manager Meetings

On Tuesday November 10, the NHL General Managers began two days of meetings. Publicly, we have heard that the focal point of discussion on day one was the trapezoid behind the goaltenders’ nets. Day two was spent talking about headshots.

Really TSN experts, do you mean to tell me that the 30 most powerful men in hockey met for two days and all they discussed was a strange four sided shape from geometry class and the same head shot topic that has been talked about since Eric Lindros’ first concussion in 1972?

Luckily, Head to the Net had the meeting room bugged and we found out what really happened:


First, the room is fairly large, and there is a boxing ring situated right at the centre. NHL types believe that a good fist fight is a healthy self-policing method, or sometimes it can be used to switch momentum in negotiations – thus the need for the ring.

On Tuesday morning, Mike Gillis (Vancouver Canucks) and Brian Burke (Toronto Maple Leafs) have arrived in their full boxing gear, ready for the showdown that has been brewing for months. Gillis starts the fight with a couple of quick punches to Burkie’s head. No credit should be given for this, as Burke’s head is so big it’s impossible to miss.

After taking a few blows, Burke ties Gillis up into a headlock.

Burke: give… me… the… Sedins… Mike!

Gillis: Never!

Elsewhere in the room:

Kevin Lowe (Edmonton Oilers’ President) is clinging to the edge of the ring cheering Gillis on and crying death threats at Burke.

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman also watches from his chair, upon which he’s placed a booster seat.

Ray Shero (Pittsburgh Penguins) and George McPhee (Washington Capitals) are shooting pool

Shero: How you doing, George?

McPhee: Chillin’ bro.

Shero: I hear that. Everyone here is so stressed out, but you and I have the 4 best players in the league locked up to long term contracts. I got no problems with the NHL right now!

McPhee: Cheers to that, bro!

Conversely, Ken Holland (Detroit Red Wings), is on the phone with Steve Yzerman, analyzing the 2010 and 2011 draft prospects lists.

McPhee: Come have a beer with us, Ken! Your team is amazing already! Relax!

Holland: No.


Back at the ring, Gillis has landed a series of body blows, and Burkie’s lapdog, Dave Nonis is becoming very agitated. He pulls out his cell phone:

Nonis: Hi, Ray Emery? I need you! How soon can you been in Toronto? You have to come kick Mike Gillis’ ass.

Emery: You’re looking for the old Ray Emery, my man. I don’t fight anymore. Try calling Chris Chelios and offer him a contract – he’ll do anything to get back in the league.


At the main entrance: Don Maloney is arguing with the security guard.

Maloney: I’m supposed to be in there! You’ve got to let me in!

Security: You said your name is Don Maloney? Your name isn’t on the list, buddy. Who are you, again?

Maloney: I’m the GM of the Phoenix Coyotes! Don’t you know who I am?

Security: No, never heard of you, sir. And these “Coyotes” aren’t even on the list of recognized NHL teams. You sure you’ve got the right place?


The rest of day one continued in a similar fashion. Most of day two was spent debating whether the Toronto Maple Leafs should retain veto power in all votes going forward. They won the vote, using the veto.