A poem, from the heart of a jaded Flames fan:

Farewell Dion Phaneuf, man of many names.

In your second year christened 2-10,
In season 2, acting as if you'd played 10.
'Twas an accurate name for your attitude,
Acting like you were an NHL veteran.

Characterized by the fans as Ion;
For "D" did not fit in your description.
Perhaps you should have been a forward,
As it's clear you're no defenseman.

Duhh-ion – always a fan favourite;
Who gave measured responses post-trade.
What might have been seen as emotion;
Was your mind struggling not to fade.

Finally, our dear Prima-Dion-a;
You used Gretzky's trade as comparison;
An insolent analogy at the least,
In the end, it only proves your delusion.
And we are happy to see your time here cease.

NOTE: Actually, I'm no Flames fan, as you well know from previous posts, but this is how they feel in Cow-town

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NHL players are probably the classiest in all of North America’s major sports leagues. They are, in large part, a wonderful bunch of athletes, who are grateful for their opportunities in life, don’t shirk media responsibilities and have all the time in the world for their fans. . Unfortunately, in every bunch, there will always be bad apples – douchebags, if you will. Following, I break down the different types of douches employed by the NHL.

The Trade Demand Douche:

Attitude: I’m not happy with my team, I demand a trade! I don’t get enough playing time; I don’t like the coach; I don’t like this city; or the best – “personal reasons”

Player Example: Dany Heatley – First, he negotiated a no trade clause in his contract with the Senators just one year ago, leading his fans to believe he would like to be with the team long term. This summer he demanded a trade, but when they made a deal with the Oilers, he rejected it. For more insight on Heatley’s mindframe, click here and here.

Psychoanalysis: Loyalty is non-existent and selfishness is abundant.

The Distracted Douche:

Attitude: I love attention and will do anything to get more. I’m going to use my status as a professional athlete to get people to listen to me.

Player Example: Sean Avery – Instead of sticking to hockey, which he’s actually not bad at, Avery has felt the need to pursue a career in fashion. He’s also never happy when he’s not the one creating headlines. Last year, in a misguided attempt at humour, he called out Dion Phaneuf who is dating his ex – Elisha Cuthbert, saying Phaneuf is taking his “sloppy seconds”.

Psychoanalysis: Probably ignored by their parents as kids. Negative attention is better than no attention!

The Holdout Douche:

Attitude: This multi-million dollar contract isn’t enough; I don’t feel appreciated; I’m going to sit at home until I get my way.

Player Example: Alexei Yashin – In 1995, Yashin refused to honour his contract with the Ottawa Senators, deciding, rather, to sit the games out until he was the team’s highest paid player. Finally, he was awarded a new contract for 3.6M per. In 1999, Yashin again held out, refusing to honour the final year of that contract until he received a raise that would put him in the same salary range as Steve Yzerman and Joe Sakic, the best centermen in the league. This time, the team didn’t grant his wishes, and he sat out for an entire season.

Psychoanalysis: Obviously Stanley Cups and winning are of no consequence to these individuals. It’s all about number 1.

The Enigmatic Douche:

Attitude: I have all the skill in the world, but I’ll only use it if and when I want to.

Player Example: Alexei Kovalev – Widely regarded as one of the most talented players in the NHL, Kovalev once scored 95 points in a season with the Penguins. Problem is, he had a 66 point season the year before. In his past 4 seasons with the Canadiens, he had a high of 84 points and a low of 47! The word “consistency” is foreign to him.

Psychoanalysis: Most NHL players have arrived there by working their asses off. These guys have coasted into the league and will surely coast through their careers.

The Green Douche:

Attitude: So what if I’m only 21, I should be playing on the top line because I’m the best.

Player Example: Dion Phaneuf – ever since Phaneuf began receiving praise in his first season 4 years ago, he has had a chip on his shoulder. Teammates dislike his attitude and lack of respect.

Psychoanalysis: No concept of what it takes to be consistently successful in the NHL.


The Commish Douche:

Attitude: Canadian hockey fans will always be there, regardless of how much we neglect them, so let’s spend all our time and energy on expanding the game in Southern U.S.A, where they’d rather watch Nascar! Also, as long as I pander to the powerful Eastern owners, I will have this job forever, no matter how much I screw up.

Example: There’s only one: Gary Bettman – the list of screw-ups is too long, but maybe the biggest was signing a deal in 2005 to show NHL games on Versus, a channel that most American families don’t even have, rather than ESPN. Before this, when ESPN carried games, they showed highlights during Sportscentre and used cross promotion to increase support. Once they lost the NHL, they stopped showing highlights, and the NHL slipped into obscurity.

Psychoanalysis: Really, just an idiot.

Dion Phaneuf of the Calgary Flames is not known for his brains. In fact, he is known for his lack thereof. At the Team Canada training camp yesterday, TSN reporters asked him about his disappointing 2008-09 season, and how it might affect his chances of making the final Olympic roster. This was his response:

“Last year is last year, and you guys are fishing to, you know, bring up last year, and that is all I have to say about that.”

Wow. He builds a strong case for himself.