On Tuesday November 10, the NHL General Managers began two days of meetings. Publicly, we have heard that the focal point of discussion on day one was the trapezoid behind the goaltenders’ nets. Day two was spent talking about headshots. 
Really TSN experts, do you mean to tell me that the 30 most powerful men in hockey met for two days and all they discussed was a strange four sided shape from geometry class and the same head shot topic that has been talked about since Eric Lindros’ first concussion in 1972?
Luckily, Head to the Net had the meeting room bugged and we found out what really happened:
First, the room is fairly large, and there is a boxing ring situated right at the centre. NHL types believe that a good fist fight is a healthy self-policing method, or sometimes it can be used to switch momentum in negotiations – thus the need for the ring.
On Tuesday morning, Mike Gillis (Vancouver Canucks) and Brian Burke (Toronto Maple Leafs) have arrived in their full boxing gear, ready for the showdown that has been brewing for months. Gillis starts the fight with a couple of quick punches to Burkie’s head. No credit should be given for this, as Burke’s head is so big it’s impossible to miss.
After taking a few blows, Burke ties Gillis up into a headlock.
Burke: give… me… the… Sedins… Mike!
Gillis: Never!
Elsewhere in the room:
Kevin Lowe (Edmonton Oilers’ President) is clinging to the edge of the ring cheering Gillis on and crying death threats at Burke.
NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman also watches from his chair, upon which he’s placed a booster seat.
Ray Shero (Pittsburgh Penguins) and George McPhee (Washington Capitals) are shooting pool
Shero: How you doing, George?
McPhee: Chillin’ bro.
Shero: I hear that. Everyone here is so stressed out, but you and I have the 4 best players in the league locked up to long term contracts. I got no problems with the NHL right now!
McPhee: Cheers to that, bro!
Conversely, Ken Holland (Detroit Red Wings), is on the phone with Steve Yzerman, analyzing the 2010 and 2011 draft prospects lists.
McPhee: Come have a beer with us, Ken! Your team is amazing already! Relax!
Holland: No.
Back at the ring, Gillis has landed a series of body blows, and Burkie’s lapdog, Dave Nonis is becoming very agitated. He pulls out his cell phone:
Nonis: Hi, Ray Emery? I need you! How soon can you been in Toronto? You have to come kick Mike Gillis’ ass.
Emery: You’re looking for the old Ray Emery, my man. I don’t fight anymore. Try calling Chris Chelios and offer him a contract – he’ll do anything to get back in the league.
At the main entrance: Don Maloney is arguing with the security guard.
Maloney: I’m supposed to be in there! You’ve got to let me in!
Security: You said your name is Don Maloney? Your name isn’t on the list, buddy. Who are you, again?
Maloney: I’m the GM of the Phoenix Coyotes! Don’t you know who I am?
Security: No, never heard of you, sir. And these “Coyotes” aren’t even on the list of recognized NHL teams. You sure you’ve got the right place?
The rest of day one continued in a similar fashion. Most of day two was spent debating whether the Toronto Maple Leafs should retain veto power in all votes going forward. They won the vote, using the veto.
Forced to make a choice between one $250 million bid from Jim Balsillie that would force the Phoenix Coyotes to move to Hamilton, and another $140 million bid from the NHL that excluded certain creditors from receiving any compensation, Bankruptcy Court Judge Redfield T. Baum chose the only option he could. He rejected both offers
The Balsillie bid, while presenting plenty of compensation to the city and creditors, was rejected because it took the decision of the franchise relocation out of the NHL’s hands. He said in his statement, “In the final analysis, the court cannot find or conclude that the interests of the NHL can be adequately protected if the Coyotes are moved to Hamilton,” intimating that the league need to have control over where it’s teams are located.
On the other side, the NHL’s bid to buy the team excluded Jerry Moyes and Wayne Gretzky from the list of creditors that would be paid. Essentially, the NHL would buy the team without a penny being given to two of the largest shareholders, and then attempt to resell it, pocketing the profits for itself. With the result of Wednesday’s ruling, the NHL will continue to look for another ownership group, but they will be acting as the middleman in the transaction, not the owner and seller.
During the process, Judge Baum did appear at times to be dragging out the proceedings, as we had originally hoped for a decision in mid-July. In the end, however, in a case with such complexities, he was wise to take his time to carefully examine both bids. What’s scary is that, in the end, the person who made the best decision for the good of the league and it’s owners was not the commissioner or NHL executive committee, it was an outside council, whose job it is not to save the league.
NHL players are probably the classiest in all of North America’s major sports leagues. They are, in large part, a wonderful bunch of athletes, who are grateful for their opportunities in life, don’t shirk media responsibilities and have all the time in the world for their fans. . Unfortunately, in every bunch, there will always be bad apples – douchebags, if you will. Following, I break down the different types of douches employed by the NHL.
Attitude: I’m not happy with my team, I demand a trade! I don’t get enough playing time; I don’t like the coach; I don’t like this city; or the best – “personal reasons”
Player Example: Dany Heatley – First, he negotiated a no trade clause in his contract with the Senators just one year ago, leading his fans to believe he would like to be with the team long term. This summer he demanded a trade, but when they made a deal with the Oilers, he rejected it. For more insight on Heatley’s mindframe, click here and here.
Psychoanalysis: Loyalty is non-existent and selfishness is abundant.
professional athlete to get people to listen to me. Attitude: This multi-million dollar contract isn’t enough; I don’t feel appreciated; I’m going to sit at home until I get my way.
Player Example: Alexei Yashin – In 1995, Yashin refused to honour his contract with the Ottawa Senators, deciding, rather, to sit the games out until he was the team’s highest paid player. Finally, he was awarded a new contract for 3.6M per. In 1999, Yashin again held out, refusing to honour the final year of that contract until he received a raise that would put him in the same salary range as Steve Yzerman and Joe Sakic, the best centermen in the league. This time, the team didn’t grant his wishes, and he sat out for an entire season.
Psychoanalysis: Obviously Stanley Cups and winning are of no consequence to these individuals. It’s all about number 1.
Attitude: I have all the skill in the world, but I’ll only use it if and when I want to.
Player Example: Alexei Kovalev – Widely regarded as one of the most talented players in the NHL, Kovalev once scored 95 points in a season with the Penguins. Problem is, he had a 66 point season the year before. In his past 4 seasons with the Canadiens, he had a high of 84 points and a low of 47! The word “consistency” is foreign to him.
Psychoanalysis: Most NHL players have arrived there by working their asses off. These guys have coasted into the league and will surely coast through their careers.
Attitude: So what if I’m only 21, I should be playing on the top line because I’m the best.
Player Example: Dion Phaneuf – ever since Phaneuf began receiving praise in his first season 4 years ago, he has had a chip on his shoulder. Teammates dislike his attitude and lack of respect.
Psychoanalysis: No concept of what it takes to be consistently successful in the NHL.
The Commish Douche:
Attitude: Canadian hockey fans will always be there, regardless of how much we neglect them, so let’s spend all our time and energy on expanding the game in Southern U.S.A, where they’d rather watch Nascar! Also, as long as I pander to the powerful Eastern owners, I will have this job forever, no matter how much I screw up.Example: There’s only one: Gary Bettman – the list of screw-ups is too long, but maybe the biggest was signing a deal in 2005 to show NHL games on Versus, a channel that most American families don’t even have, rather than ESPN. Before this, when ESPN carried games, they showed highlights during Sportscentre and used cross promotion to increase support. Once they lost the NHL, they stopped showing highlights, and the NHL slipped into obscurity.
Psychoanalysis: Really, just an idiot.
