Farewell Dion Phaneuf, man of many names. In your second year christened 2-10, ADVERTISEMENT:
A poem, from the heart of a jaded Flames fan:
In season 2, acting as if you'd played 10.
'Twas an accurate name for your attitude,
Acting like you were an NHL veteran.
Characterized by the fans as Ion;
For "D" did not fit in your description.
Perhaps you should have been a forward,
As it's clear you're no defenseman.
Duhh-ion – always a fan favourite;
Who gave measured responses post-trade.
What might have been seen as emotion;
Was your mind struggling not to fade.
Finally, our dear Prima-Dion-a;
You used Gretzky's trade as comparison;
An insolent analogy at the least,
In the end, it only proves your delusion.
And we are happy to see your time here cease.
NOTE: Actually, I'm no Flames fan, as you well know from previous posts, but this is how they feel in Cow-town
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If Toronto and Vancouver could talk, and they had a conversation leading up to this Saturday's game between the Canucks and the Maple Leafs, it would probably go something like this: Vancouver: Hi Toronto Toronto: Oh hey little buddy! How's it going? Big game for your Canucks this weekend playing the Leafs, eh? How are you guys doing anyways? V: We're leading our division, and we're sixth in the NHL right now. T: Really? Who'd have known... V: We've got the best team in Canada! You don't even know how well the Canucks are playing right now? T: Nah. Last time we heard about you guys was when Ron MacLean was talking about that Burrows guy. Burrows – what a jerk eh? V: Seriously? Don't you know what happened after that? It was the biggest sports story here for two weeks! T: No idea. V: MacLean's interview with Colin Campbell was completely one sided! The Canucks even boycotted the CBC last week by doing no interviews. T: Really? We didn't even notice. You know no one past Alberta watches hockey after 10pm, right? So basically your team boycotted its own fans from interviews. V: Grrr... I HATE you Toronto! T: Haha, relax little guy! (Toronto ruffles Vancouver's hair. Vancouver scowls and pouts)
On Tuesday November 10, the NHL General Managers began two days of meetings. Publicly, we have heard that the focal point of discussion on day one was the trapezoid behind the goaltenders’ nets. Day two was spent talking about headshots. 
Really TSN experts, do you mean to tell me that the 30 most powerful men in hockey met for two days and all they discussed was a strange four sided shape from geometry class and the same head shot topic that has been talked about since Eric Lindros’ first concussion in 1972?
Luckily, Head to the Net had the meeting room bugged and we found out what really happened:
First, the room is fairly large, and there is a boxing ring situated right at the centre. NHL types believe that a good fist fight is a healthy self-policing method, or sometimes it can be used to switch momentum in negotiations – thus the need for the ring.
On Tuesday morning, Mike Gillis (Vancouver Canucks) and Brian Burke (Toronto Maple Leafs) have arrived in their full boxing gear, ready for the showdown that has been brewing for months. Gillis starts the fight with a couple of quick punches to Burkie’s head. No credit should be given for this, as Burke’s head is so big it’s impossible to miss.
After taking a few blows, Burke ties Gillis up into a headlock.
Burke: give… me… the… Sedins… Mike!
Gillis: Never!
Elsewhere in the room:
Kevin Lowe (Edmonton Oilers’ President) is clinging to the edge of the ring cheering Gillis on and crying death threats at Burke.
NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman also watches from his chair, upon which he’s placed a booster seat.
Ray Shero (Pittsburgh Penguins) and George McPhee (Washington Capitals) are shooting pool
Shero: How you doing, George?
McPhee: Chillin’ bro.
Shero: I hear that. Everyone here is so stressed out, but you and I have the 4 best players in the league locked up to long term contracts. I got no problems with the NHL right now!
McPhee: Cheers to that, bro!
Conversely, Ken Holland (Detroit Red Wings), is on the phone with Steve Yzerman, analyzing the 2010 and 2011 draft prospects lists.
McPhee: Come have a beer with us, Ken! Your team is amazing already! Relax!
Holland: No.
Back at the ring, Gillis has landed a series of body blows, and Burkie’s lapdog, Dave Nonis is becoming very agitated. He pulls out his cell phone:
Nonis: Hi, Ray Emery? I need you! How soon can you been in Toronto? You have to come kick Mike Gillis’ ass.
Emery: You’re looking for the old Ray Emery, my man. I don’t fight anymore. Try calling Chris Chelios and offer him a contract – he’ll do anything to get back in the league.
At the main entrance: Don Maloney is arguing with the security guard.
Maloney: I’m supposed to be in there! You’ve got to let me in!
Security: You said your name is Don Maloney? Your name isn’t on the list, buddy. Who are you, again?
Maloney: I’m the GM of the Phoenix Coyotes! Don’t you know who I am?
Security: No, never heard of you, sir. And these “Coyotes” aren’t even on the list of recognized NHL teams. You sure you’ve got the right place?
The rest of day one continued in a similar fashion. Most of day two was spent debating whether the Toronto Maple Leafs should retain veto power in all votes going forward. They won the vote, using the veto.
The readers loved reading about the inside dealings between Shane O’Brien’s agent, Larry Kelly, and Mike Gillis, so we’ve decided to add some more posts that have been caught by our hidden microphones. The following is a conversation between Toronto Maple Leafs’ GM Brian Burke, and assistant GM Dave Nonis, captured two days before the 2009 Entry Draft.
Brian Burke: Dave, do you know which of our player acquisitions I consider to be our best move so far?
Dave Nonis: Which one, boss?
BB: Getting Brad May from the Ducks.
DN: Really? I didn’t think he was that amazing last year. He only had 7 points.
BB: That doesn’t matter! Anytime we have success with any of my ex-Canucks, it is vindication for us!
DN: Oh, ok. I think I get it.
BB: So Dave, who’s going to be available as free agents this year.
DN: Well, there’s Marian Hossa, Marian Gaborik, Saku Koivu, Alex Kovalev, Mike Cammalleri…
BB: Boring, keep going.
DN: Brian Gionta, Martin Havlat, Mike Komisarek, Brendan Morrison…
BB: STOP! Brendan Morrison is available? One of my Canucks! Let’s sign him!
DN: Do you think he’s still valuable?
BB: Dave, I traded for B. Mo years ago, and I am always right about talent. His best years are still to come, you’ll see. Everyone will see!
DN: Ok, what should we offer? I think he might sign for $1 million since there are no offers on the table.
BB: What? No way, we should offer at least $5 million.
DN: But boss, he only had 31 points last season, and he’s injury prone.
BB: Are you kidding? When we sign him for $5 million, those Vancouver idiots will realize what they missed out on, and they’ll wish they had never fired me! Just like when we signed Bertuzzi for $4.5 million in Anaheim! That sure showed them.
DN: Ok… if you say so boss.
BB: Absolutely. So is anyone else available?
DN: Well, since you like Canucks so much, if they don’t manage to sign them, the Sedin twins will be available on July 1st.
BB: WHAT!? The greatest draft move ever! Pulled off by none other than yours truly. We must get them! Oh, I love the taste of sweet revenge! Forget the draft, we’re flying to Sweden to talk to them!
DN: But sir, the Leafs are in a rebuilding phase, why would we sign two premier scoring forwards right now? Isn’t that a little premature in the process?
BB: Dave, have you understood nothing so far? Have you read our mission statement lately? After “To create a team that fosters excellence on the ice.” I added, “while showing up the Vancouver Canucks.”
DN: But boss, what happened to forgiving and forgetting?
BB: For-who and for-what? Never heard of it. Now get the plane ready, we’re going to Sweden!
Toronto Maple Leafs GM, Brian Burke wore a TSN microphone during the televised 2009 NHL Entry Draft. For the network, it was a calculated attempt to capture the dealings of the most active manager, as he had proclaimed many times in the days before that he intended to move up and hopefully draft John Tavares. In one televised exchange discussing the Tampa Bay Lightning's Vincent Lecavalier, Burke said to Montreal Canadiens’ GM, Bob Gainey, "I hear he's coming to you."
To which Gainey simply replied, "Yeah?" "Yeah..." stated Burke, and as Gainey walked away, "good luck." This was not the only conversation where the other party seemed to have no time for him, and one begins to wonder if Burke's brash tactics and bold predictions have finally caught up to him. Obviously the other General Managers were aware of his direct link to TSN, and likely did not want to give away their personal thoughts on live television.
In March 2007, Burke provided the USA Today with a full personal account of all of his dealings leading up to the 2006 trading deadline and allowed them to publish it. Having all of their conversations exposed didn’t sit well with the other general managers, and they probably keep it in mind every time they negotiate with him. A combination of animosity and fear of exposure from his negotiating parties can hardly serve him well as he tries to steer the Maple Leafs out of the NHL’s doldrums, and with the way he’s acting, he’s making the uphill climb even steeper.
Note: To see the article from the USA Today, click here
